Speaking of Siren Song

I just posted over on Three Kid Circus  -

I've got an open bag of chocolate chips that are driving me to distraction. 

Check it out - I'll be back with my updated weight, and an exercise challenge for the weekend!

Conquering Food Demons

So, I've been grooving along, right?  Fruit, fruit, sensible dinner?

Yeah.  And then five minutes ago, I ate a handful of white chocolate chips without even thinking about it.  And then another handful.  And then I realized what I was doing, and cringed. 

Time to update ye olde FItDay journal.  Sigh.

My old friend, unthinking pantry-grazing demon, is in da house.  And I'm really having to be deliberate every time I open a cupboard or the fridge.  I hate having to think this hard.  I cannot tell you how many times I've reached into the cupboard to get some tea, or something for the kids, and suddenly found myself with my hand in a box of something.  It happens even when I'm not hungry.

It makes me want to scream.

Instead, I eat some more fruit, and drink some more water.  Coraspartan left a thoughtful comment on my last post, questioning all this fruit, and the hated papaya in particular.  For the next two weeks, I'm going to see how this fruit until five business works out. After that, who knows.  Why the papaya, if I hate it so much?  It has good enzymes that, combined with all the pineapple (and the watermelon tomorrow) are keeping things moving, if you get my drift.

See - I think I can safely say that I'm chronically dehydrated.  When I worked a desk job, I kept a giant glass of water at my side, and took great pleasure in repeated refillings and subsequent bathroom breaks.  Now that I'm rarely stationary for more than a few minutes, I'm just not mindful of it.  This has several effects that I'm none too thrilled about.  My face breaks out and peels simultaneously.  I have poop issues.  I eat when what I really need to do is drink some water.  I also get lethargic, and suffer from horrid headaches.

When I went on the Crazy Fruit Cleanse earlier this month, my face cleared up.  My poop issues disappeared.  I had no headaches, had crazy energy, and wasn't having cravings for junk food.

Weird, huh?  As soon as I went back onto "real" foods, I found that the lure of snacking was killing me.  I wanted more bread.  More crackers.  More starches of every kind.  And the reintroduction of dairy and meat and white starches lead to a massive breakout, headaches, and a whole bunch of constipation.

Boy, aren't you glad you're reading?  We should get sweatshirts made that say "I survived Big Slice's TMI attack."

Something is causing me to not feel very good.  So I decided that I'll try this fruit thing, eliminate most dairy for a few weeks, and see if that is the problem.  So far, so good.

This doesn't mean that I'm giving up dairy.  No.  Just...no.  But I can see that maybe, just maybe having whole milk in my coffee, plus cheese on anything that might taste good with a little shredded something-something on it, plus my love affair with greek yogurt, plus a recent bender with butter on everything could be contributing to my slow as molasses weight loss.  And plumbing.  (Ewww!  I know.)

It is finally dawning on me that there is no end in sight.  I'm really good with the lip-service.  Oh, yeah.  Lifestyle change good, diet bad.  Change your eating.  For life. 

*swoon*

There was another commenter on my last entry, sadly anonymous.  She points out that for some people to be thin, they really have to exercise a lot, and eat very little.

She thinks I might be one of those people, and I think she's right. 

Now the goal is to be happy about the eating very little part.  I'll admit, I've gotten a strange buzz off of putting my fork down after a small meal, patting my lips with a napkin and walking away from the table.  If I eat slowly, sitting down, I'm fine with small meals.  It is the countless unplanned trips to the pantry that are killing me.

Papaya, Papaya, Papaya

My oldest daughter is seven.  As I was changing into my pajamas last night, she asked me why I am chubby (her words) if I know that it is unhealthy for my body.  I bit back my defensiveness, and explained that eating well and exercising haven't always been a priority for me.  She scolded me for a minute, and then wandered off.

I wasn't hurt by her questions, but I was surprised by them, nonetheless. 

When my daughter was a baby, I had big plans to model good eating habits and to teach her to love her body, no matter what.  I grew up very aware of my mother's diets and watched her struggle up and down the scale many times.  I always thought I was fat, but I wasn't willing to skip meals or take other measures to lose weight.  I *knew* without a doubt that thin=pretty.

This is not a critcism of my mom's weight control methods.  Peers and media convinced me that my rounded muscles and thick torso were a mark of mediocrity.  Seeing my beautiful mom eating yet another diet meal confirmed that girls built like me would either have to diet to be thin, or give up.   

I was 110 pounds at age 15.  I thought I was chunky.  Youth and regular exercise kept my weight down then.  Now?  I am struggling. I want to be thin.  I know I am chunky.  My own daughter is watching every move I make. 

I never wanted her to see me struggle with food.  I never wanted her to hear me make disparaging comments about my body.   I wanted to be sensible and controlled and moderate. 

I'm not, though.  I'm not at all.  What kind of role model am I?

For my children's sake, I will not look for a quick fix. 
For my children's sake, I will keep working at it.
For my children's sake, I will treat food with respect.
For my children's sake, I will embrace an active lifestyle.  I will play.

For my own sake, I'll let go of the guilt.

Menu Monday - New Rules Apply

Okay.  For me to reach my goal of 5 pounds lost by December 12, I'm going to have to get creative.

Here's my personal food rules for the next two weeks:

Black coffee or unsweetened tea. 
Drink 64 ounces of water every day.
No eating unless I'm actually hungry.
Nothing but fruit until 5 pm.  This is an experiment, obviously - but I think it is do-able.
Dinners to consist of simple proteins, small portions of whole grains/sweet potatoes and grilled or steamed veggies. 
Limit dairy to next to nothing. 
No eating after 7:30 pm.

So!  With these stringent rules to follow:

Monday dinner:  Grilled chicken with grilled asparagus and steamed brown rice.

Tuesday dinner: Half a roasted sweet potato topped with spicy black beans, with a green salad.

Wednesday dinner: Tortilla soup and jicama salad with avocado, red bell pepper and roasted corn.

Thursday dinner: Sauteed tofu and whole-wheat spaghetti noodles tossed with olive oil and parmesean, served with steamed broccoli.

Friday dinner: Scrambled eggs with sauteed bell peppers, onions, mushrooms and chopped tomato.  I'll probably serve this with bacon for the rest of the family, and maybe some hash browns.  Did you know that you're supposed to use precooked potatoes for hash browns?  Like, boil up a few whole potatoes, and throw 'em in the fridge - when you shred and cook them, they will not be slimy and greasy like mine always were. 

Saturday dinner: Ground turkey and white bean chili in the crockpot.  I'll have to be VERY disciplined with my portion size of this. I'll eat a salad first and limit myself to one serving.

Sunday dinner: Grilled salmon, steamed brown rice and steamed green beans.

All I can say is I better lose some ding-dang weight.  Eating all healthy and stuff.  Sheesh.

I haven't gotten my exercise in yet, and it is nearly 2 pm.  I'm determined, though.  My trampoline is already groaning and cowering.  It needs to suck it up, because Mama needs to get airborne. 

Wahoo!

Pineapple, Pineapple, Pineapple.

We're winding down our weekend of celebration, and I'm still suffering from the lead-bottomed syndrome.  I know, TMI.  I apologize.  I'm sticking with pineapple today.  Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple.

Of course, this means I need to go to the store and buy some pineapple, because, alas, the leftover Ambrosia salad, while it does contain pineapple chunks, is probably not the best option. 

We've been out and about, and I've eaten most of my meals on the road or in restaurants for the last two days.  While I honored my plan to eat small, I was astounded at the size of portions that some of the restaurants served.  When I ordered a half-salad at one establishment, it was served on a platter.  There must have been an entire head of iceberg lettuce, about 3 pounds of meat, two entire eggs, a pound of cheese.  I was horrified trying to imagine what the regular size would be served on.  It was an embarrassing amount of food, and it would have easily fed several people.

I scarcely made a dent in my plate, and was glad my in-laws were willing to take home the leftovers (the part I didn't touch.) 

Today also means I'm home, ready to exercise, with no excuses.  I'm planning some alone time with my mini-trampoline and the remote control.  I'm going to aim for one hour of vigorous activity today.

I'm hovering at 170 pounds, and have been for a week.  I'm going to set a goal of 12 pounds to lose by January 1st.  Given my track record, it is going to take some major will-power and exercise above and beyond my token 30 minutes a day to achieve that goal. 

I'd love to see a five pound loss by December 12 - the date of my husband's work's Christmas dinner.  I think I'll make that my first target.  Anyone else want to work towards a five pound loss?

The Day After

I feel like I have rocks in my kaboose this morning.  That lead-bottomed feeling that comes from overindulgence. 

Truthfully, over the course of the day, I didn't eat too much... but I filled my dinner plate and went to town on roasted potatoes, green bean casserole, turkey and gravy, marshmellow and coconut salad (with canned fruit!) and rolls.  Mmmm.  Rolls.  And wine.  And champagne.

Is it any wonder I feel sluggish this morning?

We'll be visiting relatives over the next two days, so it is hard to say what I'll be eating and when.  In fact, this whole "logging my food in the sidebar" thing isn't working very well for me.  I write it down, and then eat other stuff when mealtime approaches.  I'm going to have to rethink that.  Maybe I'll post the week's dinner menu in the sidebar instead.

In any case - I'm going back to Dr. Clower's advice in Fat Fallacy.  Eat small.  It doesn't matter what it is - even fast food - order the smallest portion available, and eat it slowly.  Enjoy it.  I'm often guilty of ordering a giant salad at a restaurant, and finding that with toppings like fried chicken, heavy dressings and crutons galore, I might as well have ordered a burger.  Who needs a mixing-bowl sized salad, anyway?

I ate at an El Torito with my husband this week, and chose the tortilla soup and salad.  The bowl of soup alone was filling, and I couldn't finish the salad.  My husband ordered a combo, which was served on an oval platter as large as the one holding our 15 pound turkey yesterday.  It was unbelievable.  He ended up taking much of his food in a to-go bag.  We could have easily split an entree.

Sadly, my exercise streak ended yesterday, unless you count carrying limp, 45 pound kids from the car to their beds.  I'm going to take the dog for a walk this morning, and get the ball rolling again. 

And I'm turning all those leftovers into mini-turkey pot pies in a muffin tin.  Yum!

Menu Monday - The Cop-out

As it is Thanksgiving week here in the US, I'll be keeping our menus low-key, and hopefully low-calorie, as well.  I'm looking forward to spending time with family and friends, but I'm also apprehensive about sitting down to a table full of foods that I adore.  How will I control myself? 

After stressing about it, it dawned on me that I just have to go small, and focus on enjoying every bite that goes into my mouth, and I'm less likely to overdo it.  If I pile my plate and start shovelling, there is no hope.  But if I put my fork down, sip some wine, enjoy some conversation... I can do it.  I can keep from over-eating.

I'm not going do an actual menu this week - we'll be eating from the pantry and fridge, since I've got a bunch of stuff to work from.  I can tell you that tonight we'll be having soup and salad.  Lunch was a bell pepper and half an onion, sauteed with garlic and half a tomato, with a scrambled egg poured over the top and cooked through.  It was really warming and perfect for a cloudy day. 

I'll be updating my sidebar with whatever I cram in my mouth eat sedately over the course of the day.

I pulled out one of my bellydance DVDs today, and had a good ole time while my youngest was in preschool.  I try my best, I really do, but my limbs are not long and lithe.  Not even close.  From my chubby shoulders to my bitten fingernails, I'm not exactly making snake arms look sensual.  But it is a hoot, and what I lack in willowy, I make up for in the hip and shoulder shimmy. 

I love that part.  Heh.

Although it is a great workout for isolating body parts, I still need to get some mini-trampoline time in.  I'm off to do that now. 

Getting Organized

I'm updating my sidebar with a section on my exercise streak - I'm on day five, and as soon as I'm done with this entry, I'm on the mini-trampoline for some crazy jumping.

Speaking of crazy jumping, yesterday I spent 45 minutes boinging away on the trampoline, watching reruns of What Not To Wear.  I swear, when I lose this weight, someone needs to turn me over to that show.  I would be the best show ever.  You should see me right now in my faded leggings and stretched out tshirt.  At least I finally colored my roots ;)

I'm also adding a section for daily food consumption.  I am determined to keep myself accountable for every bite that goes into my piehole gullet mouth.  This also means that I'll be reviving Small Slice... about time if you ask me. 

After returning to eating 'regular' foods, I'm up three pounds to 172.  I'm also suffering from headaches and heartburn again, something that I never struggled with over the days of fruit.  I am determined to get to the bottom of this, so that I can feel great all the time.

My blood tests revealed that I'm not deficient in any areas, and the threat of pre-diabetes has receded a bit.  Also, my thyroid is apparently still fine.  Must be stress that is causing my hair to fall out.  Big surprise there... luckily, I've taken big strides in unloading stress this last few months, so hopefully the hair loss will slow.

I've gone through a whole range of emotions this last week - the quick weight loss from the fruit cleanse made me greedy, and I toyed with the idea of diet pills, meal replacement shakes, super-low calorie plans and other craziness.  But what it comes down to is this - I don't want to eat crazy.  I want to learn how to eat moderately.  I don't want to take the pleasure out of meals - but I realize that I'm going to have to make some concessions.

A Good Thing Going

I'm so touched by all the wonderful comments - it means so much to me to know that you guys appreciate what I'm going through.

I'm on day three of my exercise schedule, and I'm feeling victorious already.  I got in a good, hard 45 minutes on the mini-trampoline today, and managed to keep my eating small and healthy.  I'm even more motivated to exercise daily after taking a look at fitday.com, and calculating how many calories I will need to eat in order to lose 2 pounds a week.  If I do no exercise, I should only consume 1000 calories a day - starvation rations, which my doctor and I agree is crazy talk. 

If I work up a sweat daily, I get the benefits of the exercise, plus I can actually eat a meal without fear of sabotaging my ability to lose weight.

With the fruit cleanse, I had to give up all dairy - which meant taking my coffee black.  I used to drink it black all the time, but in recent years have become addicted to lattes.  No more - I'm back to enjoying it black, if I have it at all.  I'm also really enjoying the different teas I've tried - will you guys let me know your favorites?  I'd like to branch out and try some new ones.

The plan (not that it is really a plan) is to focus on eating vitamin rich, nutritious foods, along with plenty of water.  For me, this means mostly veggies and fruits, with some lean protein and whole grains.  When I put it that way, it doesn't sound like much fun.  That's the other thing - I am focusing on food at mealtimes only - it isn't entertainment.  When I'm bored, or restless, I'm trying to come up with other ways to occupy my mouth. 

Sometimes, it is a cup of tea.  Sometimes, I chew gum, or torture myself with mints.  I brush my teeth.  I put on a tooth-whitening strip.  Usually by the time the gum has lost its flavor, or the time is up on the bleaching strip, I'm not feeling like eating anymore.

I'm still using every ounce of anger I have, and directing it at my thick waist.  This is the year it says goodbye. 

I feel like I have a good thing going.  It is a struggle, but I'm fighting.  How about you guys?

Calling It

I'm calling off the fruit cleanse - today would be my last day, but as of last night, when I was felled by a sweet potato, I realize that I've achieved what I hoped to.  Now the real work starts.

I've had a lot of time to think about why I've struggled to lose weight this last year.  I've also been thinking about my assertations that "diets don't work" for me.  It is true.  Many of the diets I've tried have had limited success, if any.  This is 99% because of my rebel personality.  I don't like to be told what to do, and I'm always looking for loopholes.  I'm also the queen of excuses.  If I had actually followed the diet to the letter, I most certainly would have lost weight.

This last 9 days has given me plenty of time to think about how I need to proceed.  I don't want to start 2007 with all these extra pounds weighing me down.  I don't want to cringe when I look at my family photos from this season, or worse, stay behind the camera, and have another year's worth of "missing mama" photos.

I've been eating healthy...except for the candy benders and random overeating.
I've been exercising...except I haven't actually exercised beyond arm exercises in over a month.
I've been cooking for my family...except for all those meals out.
I've been staying positive...except for all the negative self-talk I've been flinging around.

I feel like I'm a fraud - I started this blog with high hopes and high spirits, determined to show the world that I could successfully lose weight without a "real" diet.  And I've struggled for half a year.

While I believe wholeheartedly that the principles laid out in The Fat Fallacy are fantastic, I'm finding that I need to stop embracing the brie and baguettes, and spend more time embracing the produce, lean protein and whole grains.  I need to be very, very mindful of portion sizes.

I also need daily exercise, of at least 30 minutes.  I'm so inspired by Mel's great track record.  I started off yesterday with 45 minutes on the mini-trampoline.  We'll call that day one.  I'm going to start my own exercise streak!

The real work begins today.