A Sword's Edge

My friend Elise and I are often on the same page in our life stories.  We met through mutual friends during our single and broke days.  We met our husbands around the same time, followed one another down the aisle to wedded bliss (and blisters) and have children that are around the same ages.  We don't get the chance to see each other often, but we still have lengthy phone calls weekly.

It didn't surprise me in the least when Elise called and told me she'd been rummaging through some old boxes while putting away her Christmas decorations, and turned up some old photos of herself from her super-sassy late teens.  We laughed about how we used to be smokin' hot, and my how life has altered our abs and asses, our faces and our fantasies.  After a big, mutual sigh, Elise said something that made me start spinning.

"I wish someone, I don't know, like my mom or my aunt, someone would have told me to protect that body, to work hard to keep it strong and fit and not just surrender it for the comfort of Cheetos after a bad day. I wish someone had told me that I had a freaking six-pack, and that abs like that require maintenance.  I wish someone had told me then that the other side of thirty-five isn't a pretty place to be if you haven't worked out all along.  Shouldn't my mom have told me that?  Shouldn't someone have?"

Right away, I started weighing my own situation against Elise's.  I mean, I never had a six-pack to begin with, and I always thought I was fat, even when I wasn't.  So maybe if someone had said to me: "Jenny, you've got a great body, and if you want to keep it looking great, you're going to have to work at it your whole life long."  I might have laughed.  Or blown it off.  Or maybe I would have thought that they really thought I was fat, and they were trying to tell me I needed to work out more.

Because I was like that, you know...suspicious about compliments about my physical shape. I didn't understand when I overheard my mom saying that I was built like "a brick shithouse" that it was a compliment.  I thought it was another way to say "fat" and it wasn't until years later that I figured it out.

By then I was mighty mighty and letting it all hang out.  But that is a whole 'nother tale.

When I had my first daughter, I vowed to never make her physical appearance an issue.  I didn't want physical beauty to be tied to her self-worth.  And yet, she's a beautiful girl, and already her looks are attracting attention.  She's physically active and strong, and with puberty only a couple of years away, I'm beginning to see the changing lines of her shape.  Hips are rounding, her waist is curving...what do I tell her about the years ahead? 

On one hand, I feel like encouraging all my children to be active and establishing some healthy eating habits will be good enough.  But with girls - there is so much interest and conversation that revolves around being beautiful and thin and all that.  It is ever-present, and since I'm opting not to confine my children to the family compound for the duration, they will be exposed to society's ideals. 

We already talk about how your heart, your intelligence, your creativity and your passion are so much more important than your physical appearance.  But if we minimize the beauty part, am I setting them up for an ambivalent relationship with their body like my own?  If I don't tell them that gravity and age and pregnancy and partying and lack of exercise will haul their bodies in unflattering directions, will they just assume that I became fat by magic? 

But if I tell them that diet and exercise are the keys to eternal youth and happiness, and yet they still get stretch marks and gray hairs before their 30th birthday, or have acne, or any of the other scenarios that might screw with their physical expectations, will I have lied to them?  Will I somehow twist the message into a "beauty first" reality?

Elise also told me about running into an acquaintance at a party.  This woman is svelte and always has been.  She told Elise that she's on the South Beach diet, and Elise was flabbergasted.

"She's so thin and perfect already!  But she said that it was all about the maintenance.  And I thought, 'Wow!  Here I thought that you dieted until you got skinny, and then you celebrated by wearing smaller clothes for a few months while you ate yourself back up to the weight you were before you dieted!'"

I laughed.  And I cringed.  There have been so many minor dieting successes that I've immediately celebrated with dessert.  There have been so many victories where I planted my flag in the center of Thinville, and immediately headed for the local tavern for some ale and snackies.  Elise and I talked about how we just don't have the kind of personality that makes maintaining a priority.  We're addicted to the ups and downs, and maintaining seems like punishment.  Why continue to eat moderately if you've reached your goal? 

Maybe I need to stop worrying about what to tell my daughter, and focus on setting a good example instead. 

Comments

[Shrinkingmom]

I absolutely loved this entry.

No one ever told me anything about my body as I was growing up . . . I only remember two incidences: When I was a girl, younger than 10, I said to my mom, "Why am I fat?" I wasn't at all, but she didn't reassure me. She didn't say anything, so I thought I really was fat.

When I was 12, I went on my first official diet, lost 13 pounds (reached 123 pounds at 5'7") and said to my stepmom, "Look my jeans are baggy!" and she said, "They must have shrunk." So, I thought I really was fat.

I only hope I do a better job with my own daughter.

[HealthyMummy]

I think the best thing to do is lead by example. I'm British but I've spent a lot of time in continental Europe, all the woman here are so much slimmer. They've learned to eat well from a young age and it shows. Diet products and low fat products can be found in supermarkets here but nowhere near as many as there are in Britian.

[Susanne]

"Maintaining seems like punishment. Why continue to eat moderately if you've reached your goal?

Maybe I need to stop worrying about what to tell my daughter, and focus on setting a good example instead."

Amen.

Oh, and my mother BTW always told me to eat more since I was a very skinny kid. Until I reached puberty and grew hips and stuff.

I was taken a little aback by HealthyMummy's comment before me. I live in continental Europe and here people are becoming heavier and heavier. And the diet products and low fat products are becoming more and more. As far as I can tell, Germany is trying to emulate US culture down to the fast and convenience food. And the driving everywhere even when you could have walked.

[chris]

It is difficult with girls isn't it? There is the whole extra layer of self-worth tied into looks that you want to avoid like the plague... but then they see you dieting and exercising and other people focuing on how you *look* now, that sends a confusing message.

I exercise everyday. I hate it every single day. I tell my kids that I do it to stay healthy and keep the focus off of weight.

I don't think "diets" work. If you deprive yourself and are constantly hungry, once you get to your goal weight there is no incentive to keep it up. I applaud you, Jenny for trying to make a lifestyle change.

[Kim]

I've been thinking about this a LOT this past 3 weeks, since I found out the baby I'm carrying is a girl. I'm actually pretty frightened to even have a girl. I had similar thoughts already thinking about what to tell my son about the genetic tendency to drug and alcohol dependence that he has probably inheirted that would make him think twice instead of making him want to experiment more.
I think the good example is the best we can do. Which means I have vowed to get healthy - I should say healthier since I am eating and drinking much better than I ever have in the past. Thanks for a great, thought provoking post, I'll be checking back to see what anyone else has to add.

[Maggie]

Found you by way of Carmen at Mom to the Screaming Masses. I loved your commentary on working through this issue. Your thinking seems so thought-provoking to me! Thanks.

[jenn2]

This is thought-provoking stuff, Jenny. As the overweight parent of a 12 year old skinny girl, I struggle with the role model issue too. There seems to be beauty in balance. Compliment the physical and mental. Praise those around us, in her hearing. Exercise together.

Your blogs are amazing and inspiring. Thanks for the food for thought.

[Missy]

You know, I think the example is the most important part. My mom was ALWAYS telling me to be careful, eat well, moisturize, etc. etc., but she herself never did these things so I totally disregarded most of what she said.

In fact, it made things very tense in my house when I was a teenager; my mom would be screaming at me for eating ice cream while she was downing a bag of chips. She projected her food issues on me and didn't help me a bit. Both parents gave zero support to my efforts at sports as well (my dad hated watching "girl sports"). Needless to say our relationship suffered.

I am in much better shape than she was at my age, but not because of her advice. I got involved in sports as an adult and still run and bike. I am currently 30 pounds overweight and struggling to lose "baby fat" from 2 kids but I am determined not to end up like her.

As for my daughter, I think she's beautiful (she's 8 months old) and I don't plan on avoiding talking about her appearance. Even omission means "ugly" to a teenager. For years I thought my dad thought I was homely because he never once commented that I was pretty as a teen.

It's a really difficult issue but my son likes to "exercise" with me and sometimes he rides his bike with me as I run, so I think that taking care of myself is the best way to stress the importance of health and it's cousin, beauty.

[prov31wisemom]

This was an awesome post! I agree..this may be sexist, but I do think about how to teach my daughter about weight and body issues as well the example I set for her a LOT more than I ever did/have for my sons. My mother always told me I was "big by nature" and I had better "watch it!" She herself is relatively small "by nature" and over-eats all the time, but even at 60, she still isn't what you'd call "fat". I certainly don't want to be anything like my mom in this category, but I (like you) don't really think I have a handle on how "to do" this example wise or any other way. (fortunately for me, my daughter's only 19 months, so I've still got a little time to get my act together!)