Emotional Demons

Denise (again) makes a very good point by mentioning my silence on the emotional issues that have helped hoist my chubby little fist full of snackies. I'm going to take a stab at revealing some of the emotional issues I have, and the way they have twisted my relationship to food.

Demon #6 - Recognition and Appreciation
Food has long been a way to reward myself.  From my earliest years:
"Finish your dinner, and you can have a popsicle." 
"Get good grades, and we'll go out for ice cream!"
Let's not forget the Starving Children in China argument.  I'm making it sound like my parents were plying us with sweet rewards daily.  This isn't the case at all.  But times of celebration, large and small, generally called for something yummy. 

In my adult life, a job well done has always been marked by a little something edible. As an office worker, a balanced ledger meant it was time for a visit to the vending machines.  As a new mommy, every breastfeeding session 'earned' a little treat. The thankless day-to-day grind of dirty diaper and dirty laundry and dirty dishes was sweetened by a little "thank you, Jenny!" in the form of a Pumpkin Spice Latte, or a handful of cookies.  This last year has brought me major improvement on that front.  No longer do I 'celebrate' each folded load of laundry with a fun-sized Snickers (or three) from a hidden stash.  No longer do I 'celebrate' the end of the day by polishing off a pint of Ben & Jerry's. 

However, the snacking urge remains.  I believe that there are several complicated emotional triggers behind this.  My need for appreciation and recognition is abated and soothed by chocolate and sweets.  I realize that I cannot continue to feed this need with food - but I am not sure how to fill the hole.  At the risk of sounding like an ungrateful wretch, I will admit that I find many of my hausfrau duties to be completely mundane.  Not only that, but I'm not particularly good at them.  Which brings me to Demon #7.

Demon #7 - I'm Not Worthy
For a woman with self-esteem to spare, I have to wonder how much of my self-acceptance is actually resignation, and how much is genuine.  I've skated through life as the rather undistinguished middle child in a family of ambitious dreamers.  With only 18 months separating my older sister and I, my identity has always been tied to hers, and early on, I set out to distinguish myself from her many accomplishments.  On meeting friends of my parents for the first time:

"Are you the pianist?"
"No, that's my sister."
"Are you the singer?"
"Also my sister."
"You must be the one that is great with languages!"
"Nope, my sister is really great at French and Spanish, though."
"Oh.  Well, what do YOU do?"

What I did was the bare minimum.  I liked flying under the radar, free to read and doodle and play music half-assed.  I was free of the spotlight, and it was great.  I didn't have the same expectations placed on me as my sister, and I have never (conciously) begrudged her a moment of glory.  Because she works damn hard for everything she has attained - much harder than I've ever worked in my entire life.  Except maybe giving birth, and that was mostly involuntary.  And with good drugs.

I have never felt less-than.  I'm pretty, funny, warm, intuitive, and modest.  (Hah!) But I also feel like I hide behind my averageness.  I'm used to having other people standing in the spotlight.  I'm a natural comedic sidekick.  I don't have to be the wittiest or the prettiest.  I don't have to be the thin one, because no one is looking at me, anyway.   

After the birth of my first child, I noticed that people stopped looking at me and talking to me.  I became a mom and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I was happy to sink into that anonymous role.  But as the years have passed, I've allowed that whole "no one notices me, anyway" mentality to make it okay to be fat.  I'm still pretty, funny, warm, intuitive (and modest) and I'm still fat. 

The thing is, I am often out and about with no kids now.  People look me in the eye, and I wonder what they see when they look at me.  In my single, dancing at the club, size 4 wearing days, I loved to flirt and be noticed.  It was one of the first times in my life that people were meeting me without knowing my siblings first, and I started to enjoy the spotlight.  I still get smiles and friendly conversation from strangers, but I'm once again uncomfortable with extra attention. 

I'm a fat, average mommy, and I'd rather not showcase that.  In fact, I rather just sit over here and have a bowl of ice cream while congratulating myself on getting through another day without attracting scrutiny.

Demon #8 - Commitment
If I were to trace one common thread through my life's successes and failures, it would be my level of commitment to the project at hand that tipped the scales.   I've spent my life "accepting" negative labels as my own - lazy, messy, disorganized, fat.  If I own it, I can't be hurt by it, right?  And if I set out to accomplish something, and end up failing, it is because of my nature, my own self-defined limitations.  I can't keep an orderly home because I'm messy at heart.  I can't work out daily, because I'm lazy.  I can't lose weight, because I'm not willing to work hard at it.  I can't lose weight because all my female relatives (except my sister and one aunt) are fat.  I can't lose weight because I don't want to have to look in the mirror and start a dialog that will disrupt my armor-plated self-esteem.  I don't want to feel shame and anger and guilt. 

Oh wait.  I already do. 

I am ashamed that I cannot just make the decision to change my life, and then do it.  I'm angry that I fail.  I'm feeling guilt over my repeated declarations: "This is it!  Never again!  I'm not doing that anymore!" which are always followed by a frantic search for the next big idea that will justify whatever behavior I've failed to change.

I have to find a way to stop defining myself with negative labels.  I have to give myself room to grow and develop new habits, without preconceived notions about how my lazy, messy, disorganized, fat self will quit, so why even try?

This is why Kathleen DesMaisons and her Little Sugar Addicts book made me sit up and take notice. 

The Myth of "Just Say No"

"Contrary to what some folks say, "Just say no" does not work with addiction.  The people who can successfully just say no are those who have a different biochemistry than you or your children.  They do not experience withdrawal, they do not have cravings, they do not have an emotional attachment to what they eat in the same way you do.  They are not sugar sensitive.  They are the same people who will tell you to "just take your children off of sugar."  At best this message is a functional instruction.  At worst, it carries an implicit condemnation of your parenting skills.  That message of "why don't you just..." is very pervasive in our culture.

That message is at the root of your shame.  If it were that simple, you would have stopped the sugar long ago.  I am taking you through a process that will heal your addiction, not break it."  (Little Sugar Addicts, pg 49-50)

These are the larger demons I want to conquer this year.  There are many others - but they all wind together, forming a sticky ball of frustration.  Finding a way to heal my addiction to sugar, finding balance in my eating habits and redefining my relationship with food and exercise is going to be a long-drawn out process. 

One choice at a time. 

Comments

[Kari]

Whenever I have a tough day, Husband brings home sweets or a sloppy yummy chipotle cheeseburger. Never fails. And yet, I happily consume. Sigh.

I wonder what a better reward would be? A better way to relax?

[LyndaL]

Hi, Jenny. Have been reading for a while but never commented. I am entirely with you in sympathy about the snacking. If I am left alone in the kitchen, before you know it I am eating something. Anything. Doesn't even have to be something particularly yummy: slice of bread, breakfast cereal, whatever. I don't need it, don't really want it but eat it anyway. I have no idea why. If it is of any use, my method of avoiding this is chewing gum. I keep sugar free gum in the kitchen and have some as soon as I go in. You can't eat with gum in your mouth. You can of course take it out to eat and put it back again (and I have!!) but at least you have to go through the thought process of doing so and have a better chance of stopping yourself. I am sure you will get there - I have lost quite a few pounds over the last 6 months but still weigh about 195. I am determined to keep going though and I am sure you can too. As for sugar, my only way to deal with it is cold turkey. After a couple of weeks without it, I don't seem to need it. So, after Christmas, by about January 15th I should feel fine!

[carmen]

Wow, Jenny. This is DEEP. Like, hurt my brain deep.

I'll call you today and we'll chat.

Hugs. Hang in there, sweetie.

[maria]

I am convinced...you read my mind. I think alot of us feel the same way. Being a mom sucks away our own personal identities, and we feel like "just a mom". who cares? nobody's looking, paying attention, we're married, we have our kids, our lives are ok. So why say no to something sooo yummy? Does it really matter anymore?

I deal with these questions every day of my life. You are so not alone. Every day I say "Today's the day" by 4 pm I am scraping the bottom of the old frosting container that was in the fridge.

I, right now weigh, what I weighed at my last prenatal exam for my oldest son, and I had gained 60 pounds. I am not 10 months pregnant anymore. Nor have I been for, oh, 8 years now. But I look it.

My best advice to you, at least to help with food issues is this: I began planning meals out for like 3 weeks to a month in advance. I shop the store for everything at once. When I need to run in for milk or fruits and veggies, I do not get a cart, just a carry basket, and I do it when I don't have time to browse. It helps with not having the food around, as far as my kids and snacks, they have no choice but to eat what is here. No chips or candy are in the house unless it's a special occasion. And making the switch to lowfat and whole grain was painless for all of them. Take the time before you eat something and say to yourself "Do I really want this?" most of the time you will say no. Once it's a habit it gets easier. I also keep a cup near the water, if I am wandering in the kitchen I will grab it and take a drink. Alot of times that does the trick.

I was doing good last fall, but I fell off over the Holidays (Halloween to New Years lol) time to jump on again. Good Luck

[Susanne]

"If it were that simple you would have stopped long ago." - Amen.

Unearthing the emotional issues behind my overeating really helped me. (I throw a reference to Geneen Roth in, whose books I found tremendously helpful.) I think this will eventually help me to have a healthy relationship to food.

But for me knowing something does not translate into changed behavior. In order to change something like an eating habit I have to work with myself like I would with a three-year-old. I still feel weak because of this, but then I have decided to take any path that works.

I'll fake it till it becomes second nature.

[JenniferB]

Oh, my goodness! Thank you for an honest view of why we -- not just you -- we all use/abuse food and our myriad reasons for doing so. I know that I overeat emotionally, and for about 100 other reasons, but that doesn't make it easier. I'll look into the book you mentioned, and I hope you are able to do the things you want to do this year (and I hope I will be able to copycat you and achieve some positive weight/food goals myself).

[EverydaySuperGoddess]

6. Yes
7. Yes

[steph]

I love you!

[EverydaySuperGoddess]

8. Yes

[gigem]

Amen and I hear ya sistah! I'm feeling the same sorts of feelings. Still carrying around baby number 2 weight three years later. Happy to just hang and be..not truly motivated to lose the weight. I need a swift kick in the pants. Things always came easily for me..I never had to work to do enough to be pointed out for anything. Always in the middle of the pack..never excelling or failing..just doing enough to not be noticed. Two kids later, I enjoy the role of mommy, but, I'm losing any identity that I once had. I work, so that's an identity, but I don't care enough about it to care. Make sense? I don't have the interest to plan out so far in advance, nor the time with work and two preschoolers (sound familiar?:)). I play games, say I'll get it done once the kids get into school, but I'll find another excuse. What's the key? Do I need to go on a show?:) I think I need to find something, someone that will show me the way and keep me accountable. But then again, I can always dodge them too!:)

Good luck. I check often, comment only sometimes. There are more of us out there!:)

[Jess]

I am right there with you.

[MoMMY]

Yes. To it all.

[Karen Rani]

If you're like me and LOVE the Starbucky Goodness, you might like the Sugar-free, non-fat Vanilla Latte - my Granny is diabetic and when I told them that, they were quick to offer that option - and it's tasty!

Emotional indeed. Working from home allows me too much time on my ass, and when I accomplish a task, where do I go? THE FRIDGE. Thankfully hubby has stocked it full of chinese pears (divine goodness) and other good foods. I love that man.

P.S. I lost FOUR pounds over the holidays desite eating Granny's baking - WTF? Maybe I boosted my metabolism by eating breakfast every morning there (just cereal, but still)