Chasing The Wagon

I'm struggling right now.  I've been struggling for a week, questioning, second-guessing, and full of self-pity.

I stepped on the scale, and I'm at 174 pounds.  I guess introducing breakfast daily isn't enough to make me magically lose weight. 

If I was in my right mind, I wouldn't have reached for the ice cream after dinner, which set me up for skipping breakfast the next morning, followed by an all-carb lunch, followed by a fast food dinner.

Three days later, I'm still off my game.  I'm fighting those "it doesn't matter" voices in my head, and I'm overthinking everything, looking for shortcuts to get me back on track.  But I don't need shortcuts.  I just need to go back to what works.

The thought of journaling is making me crazy.  Seriously crazy.  It brings out the overthinking control freak in me, and I am not enjoying eating, not enjoying cooking, not enjoying anticipating or planning for upcoming meals.

I think trying to wrap myself around the whole "whole grain, lean protein, veggies" idea has me feeling rather blah about food.  Instead of enjoying the nutty flavors, the fresh tastes, the bright colors, I've been focusing on what I am not supposed to eat.

I need to get a grip.  It isn't like ice cream is leaving the planet. 

I apologize for this rambling - I know it isn't inspiring or motivating to listen to me whine about how I can't get my head to think right about this lifestyle change.  I'm thinking more and more that I really need to do that Fat Fallacy program in March (I should see if I can still register) and get some help in changing this pigheaded attitude I have.

In other news, I'm exercising daily, and will be riding horses at least once a week.  Real ones, even, not just my pretend horsie. I have to believe that all these puzzle pieces are going to start clicking together at some point.  I have to believe it, or I'm going face down in another vat of ice cream.

Read this article!

Via Sweetney.com - check out this great article!

A Sword's Edge

My friend Elise and I are often on the same page in our life stories.  We met through mutual friends during our single and broke days.  We met our husbands around the same time, followed one another down the aisle to wedded bliss (and blisters) and have children that are around the same ages.  We don't get the chance to see each other often, but we still have lengthy phone calls weekly.

It didn't surprise me in the least when Elise called and told me she'd been rummaging through some old boxes while putting away her Christmas decorations, and turned up some old photos of herself from her super-sassy late teens.  We laughed about how we used to be smokin' hot, and my how life has altered our abs and asses, our faces and our fantasies.  After a big, mutual sigh, Elise said something that made me start spinning.

"I wish someone, I don't know, like my mom or my aunt, someone would have told me to protect that body, to work hard to keep it strong and fit and not just surrender it for the comfort of Cheetos after a bad day. I wish someone had told me that I had a freaking six-pack, and that abs like that require maintenance.  I wish someone had told me then that the other side of thirty-five isn't a pretty place to be if you haven't worked out all along.  Shouldn't my mom have told me that?  Shouldn't someone have?"

Right away, I started weighing my own situation against Elise's.  I mean, I never had a six-pack to begin with, and I always thought I was fat, even when I wasn't.  So maybe if someone had said to me: "Jenny, you've got a great body, and if you want to keep it looking great, you're going to have to work at it your whole life long."  I might have laughed.  Or blown it off.  Or maybe I would have thought that they really thought I was fat, and they were trying to tell me I needed to work out more.

Because I was like that, you know...suspicious about compliments about my physical shape. I didn't understand when I overheard my mom saying that I was built like "a brick shithouse" that it was a compliment.  I thought it was another way to say "fat" and it wasn't until years later that I figured it out.

By then I was mighty mighty and letting it all hang out.  But that is a whole 'nother tale.

When I had my first daughter, I vowed to never make her physical appearance an issue.  I didn't want physical beauty to be tied to her self-worth.  And yet, she's a beautiful girl, and already her looks are attracting attention.  She's physically active and strong, and with puberty only a couple of years away, I'm beginning to see the changing lines of her shape.  Hips are rounding, her waist is curving...what do I tell her about the years ahead? 

Why They Call It Full Moon

So, I recently got a book to review in the mail.  Michael Thurmond's 12 day Body Shaping Miracle is actually a really cool, complete resource - I've posted a full review over at threekidcircus.com/auditions.

Anyway...

I read through this book, and the author recommends taking three full-length photos of yourself (front, side and back) in a bathing suit, printing them out in 8x10 size and then marking them up with a pen to take note of hunched shoulders, sagging butt, protruding stomach...in short, all your visible flaws.  This is so you see what you want to work on, and can measure your progress over the course of your program.

Oh, the HORROR.  I know that I would rather, like, NEVER see my backside straight on, and the thought of contemplating bathing suit photos is so...well.  Yes.

Okay.  (Deep cleansing breath)

Did I mention that I'll be attending my brother's wedding in February.  In Hawaii?  And that a swimsuit will be packed and worn?  Because hello, HAWAII?  In 2 1/2 weeks? 

Hee hee hee, hoo hoo hoo, hee hee hee - does anyone have a paper bag? 

So, yesterday, I spun around and contemplated my butt in the mirror after showering.  Although I can feel the muscles under the fat, the fat is still there, and it is actually dimpled.  I have cellulite on my butt.  Craters which could be named after Roman gods.  It looks like I was caught in the tail of a comet, and peppered with small chunks of space debris.  It looks like the surface of the moon. 

Oh my GOD.

So, yeah.  I'm going to take the bathing suit photos today, and then I'm going to be brave and honest and while I'm not going to post them here (yet) I am going to face down my back-fat and my  dimpled butt and my rounded shoulders.  I'm going to address specific problem areas (jiggle jiggle) and pursue some specific goals for my next set of photos.

I'm also going to be shopping for a skirted suit.  Heh.  Maybe a bathing cap with plastic flowers on it and a little chin strap, too. 

A Challenge For All Youse Guys

I just got back from a great 2 mile walk to the school.  Actually, it was more of a power walk.  Normally, we leave the house at 7:45, and arrive at the school around 8:05.  That is a 20 minute mile, right?  So brisk, but not deadly. 

Today we left at 7:55.  And we arrived?  8:05.  That's a 10 minute mile, baby, and it was not too bad.  The kids and I ran in spurts (me pushing the stroller with my 30 pound four-year-old and wearing two backpacks and holding the dog on the leash) and walked briskly the rest of the time, and we made it.

Woooo!  I walked back at my normal pace, leaving at 8:10 and arriving home at 8:25, so all in all, two miles at good speed.  I'm all peppy from the endorphins.

So!  Here's my challenge to you:  I've gotten comments from several folks bemoaning the fact that they live in the sticks and have to drive long distances to get to any destination.  Here's what I want you to think about:  there is no law that says you have to drive all the way to your destination.  For example - if you live in an outlying area, and you have to drive your kids to school 15 minutes away, leave 20 minutes early, and park about a mile from the school.  Unload everyone and walk the rest of the way.  You'll avoid waiting in the carpool drop-off line, and by the time you get back to your car, you will have gotten a nice walk.

If the route to school is unsafe for walking, then plan a walking route that will take you to several errand stops.  Park at the first location, and make a loop from the bank to the post office to Target and back. 

Look, I am one of the laziest people on the planet, and I have a weird perfection complex about exercise.  I have told myself for years that if I can't have a sustained 60 minutes of walking, it isn't worth trying.  I have used the excuse that I don't have time to walk to do errands, even though the time it takes to find parking, and then move the car five times in the space of a mile is the same time it would take to just walk.   Unless I need to purchase a large item (in which case, I should park my car there) I generally can carry all my stuff in a small backpack or in pockets. 

Mostly, I have considered exercise to be an extracurricular activity.  Something that you make time for outside of your daily routine.  You have to wear the right shoes, the right clothes.  You have to be undisturbed.  You have to get in the zone.  Guess what?  No you don't. 

People that live in urban areas often don't have cars.  They walk to and from, and they are wearing *gasp* street clothes.  They aren't in coordinated jogging suits to cover a single mile.  They don't have to be in the zone.  They are just getting from point A to point B and back again.  If they are late, they hurry.  If not, they can take in the sights and sounds. 

So that is your challenge.  Find a way to get from point A to point B on foot without making a big damn production about it.  You can wear your workout clothes, of course, but today I walked the kids to school in my riding boots and jeans.  I even wore makeup!

And if I can do it, you certainly can.  No excuses.  Set a measurable goal for yourself (I will walk 10 miles this week) and choose a reward to work towards (I will invest in a new pair of sunglasses.)

Go! Go! Go!   

Updated Goals!

It dawned on me this weekend that I'm no longer even thinking about eating breakfast.  I'm just doing it.  I wake up ready to eat.  Victory!

The journaling continues to be a struggle - mostly because my meal planning has gone awry again.  I just haven't had time/motivation/whatever and I believe that I am probably not balancing my meals very well.  I'm going to make consistant meal plans and journaling the focus for the next few weeks.

It also dawned on me this weekend that I need to get more exercise.  Plain and simple.  I've been good with lifting weights, riding the iGallop (haaaa! heeee!  hooooo!) and jumping on the trampoline, but the reality for me is that I need a lot of walking as well.  Trying to carve the hour or so out of my day to get a long walk is tough.  So tough that I haven't been doing it. 

It struck me as I was dashing out the door to the van for the five minute drive to school last week - I used to walk the kids to school every day.  And with all the time I've been spending thawing the windows, warming the car, loading the kids... seriously, walking them to school takes the same amount of time as driving.  I leave the house at 7:45 and I'm home by 8:20.  It is a mile each way. 

So yesterday, I tied on my shoes, put the leash on the dog, and pushed the stroller just in case, and my four-year-old and I walked the two older kids to school.  By five minutes into the walk, my heart felt light, my head cleared, and I felt like my day was off to a good start.  When I got home, I had so much energy, and as an added bonus, my four-year-old went off to preschool while I had a conference call with Steve Case.   She was worn out after walking two miles, and having school, and I got the first nap out of her I've had in a month.  Wooo!

While rehashing the call with a friend, I found myself rummaging in the pantry.  Snacking while on the phone, while pretty damn rude, is also a habit of mine.  I've been known to consume large portions of food while gabbing, and I forced myself to leave the kitchen while I talked.  Afterwards, I realized that I hadn't been hungry at all, and celebrated with a cup of herbal tea.

Baby steps, I know.

Family Exercise Smackdown

It happened again this weekend... I grocery shopped for a selection of healthy, nutritious foods.  My husband stopped at the store on his way home, and came in with two giant bags of dog-crap foods.

Brownies.  Ice cream.  Potato chips.  Soda. 

I didn't eat any of it, which is good (yay me!) but the fact that he is undermining my efforts is pissing me off royal.  He doesn't see it that way, of course, but today, as he lamented his expanding waistline and lack of motivation, I seized upon the chance to deliver a little lecture.

I've had it with feeding the kids carefully, only to have Daddy come home with lollypops in his pocket.  I'm tired of making a lovely, balanced dinner only to be informed that he ate a late lunch and isn't hungry.  Invariably he ends up skipping dinner and snacking on dog-crap all evening after the kids go to bed.

Even more than that, I'm tired of being the only one setting a healthy example.  He agrees that his inactive lifestyle is setting an example he's not thrilled with.  So!

Starting tomorrow, every member of my family is going to do sit ups and push ups.  We're going to start with 10 of each.  Before showers in the morning, before baths in the evening - we're going to squeeze in those little exercises - all of us. 

The kids are already adding exercises - jumping rope, lifting weights, jogging in place...

I think we'll make up some random selection device, and we'll pick two activities each day.  Anyone have any silly suggestions?

Didn't ride off into the sunset yet

So, I reveal my secret exercise equipment, and then stop posting for a few days... you guys must be wondering if the iGallop is THAT good.

The jury is still out.  I'll update my impressions after a month of use, so I'll have something more intelligent to say.

Today is grocery shopping day - and I have to say that without a menu plan, my attempts to shop wisely have resulted in a collection of complex grains and frozen chicken breasts and a giant bag of onions.  I need to plan my menus.  Period. 

Last week I went to the store with a few rough ideas, and ended up buying lots of snack-type carbs - cookies, crackers and not a whole lot that I could make actual meals from.  My family descended on the pantry like locusts, and a mere three days after shopping, we were out of everything again.  This is why I need to plan.  I need to plan for afterschool snacks, too.  Aaargh!

I'm a huge procrastinator and I hate planning.  I hate sitting down and writing lists, and making plans and then actually following through with my plan.  Half the time, the food I've planned for isn't something I want to cook or eat when it comes right down to it.  Again, let me just say: Aaaaargh!

But, in an effort to stop the negative self-talk, I am going to embrace my creative nature and purchase ingredients that I know we all enjoy, and that I can play with a little bit.  But that means planning, too. 

Okay - I'm taking the wee one to preschool, and then I'm home to spend a half an hour planning meals.  I'll post the results as soon as I'm done.  Feel free to bug me until it is done.  I'm going to get past this flaky thing if it kills me.

Oh Yes I Did

Are you all ready to mock me?  Are you?

Guess what I have sitting in my living room?  Guess what I have been faithfully straddling and riding for two weeks?  Guess what is responsible for my abs, butt and inner thighs hurting like a ^%$&@!!!?

I got me a iGallop.  (And no, I didn't pay full price for it - I had promo codes etc)

It is so freaking funny.  I think it has got to be ranked up there as one of the world's stupidest exercise concepts, but so far, it is really targeting the areas on my body where I'm carrying the most flab, and I can simulaneously watch What Not To Wear while exercising because it is very quiet.

Besides, it is hilarious, which gets high marks from me.  And sort of pornographic, which gets high marks from my husband. 

And the exercise DVD that comes with it?  Haaaaa!  First of all, I am not yet strong enough to do the balancing moves they suggest, but the woman who is demonstrating the moves is grim.  She doesn't crack a smile, and she appears to be working very hard to stay on the machine and I was all "Yes!  This hurts!  She's not perky! Finally, the truth exposed!  Exercise done well makes people grim!"

(I jest.  But I love that she is not happy one bit for the entire DVD.)

Anyway, I'm off to do some upper body exercises with my weights, and then have a little ride right now.  And then I'm going to jog on the trampoline, too.   And you can bet that I'll be grinning from ear to ear. 

And My Point Was...

On Saturday, I ate without thinking.  I had breakfast as usual, but I popped a meringue cookie in my mouth while I was in the pantry for something else.  I bought the package of cookies as a special treat for the kids - they've been very cranky since I've started this whole grain, veggies, lean protein business.  Little Sugar Addicts reaffirmed that I need to ease them off of sugars - and besides, I figured a cookie with an otherwise healthy lunch isn't a problem.  So, I had a cookie.  Then I had a cup of hot chocolate, since I was making some for the kids anyway, and another cookie.  The day went downhill from there, eating-wise.  And my mood went south as well.

On Sunday, I was lethargic and irritable.  I went back to my whole grains and lean proteins and veggies, but I felt horrible all day.  Even this morning, the sugar hangover lingers.

Why do I do these things to myself?  I guess I just have to test the waters and convince myself beyond a doubt that I need to make this change.

The Amazing Shrinking Mel says: "...because, seriously, no cookie is worth being fat forever."  When I first read that, I'll admit that I smirked and thought "because, seriously, one cookie isn't the problem."

But you know what?  If I hadn't had that one meringue cookie, I doubt the cravings for sugar would have taken over and made me into an eating machine.  It was that one cookie that flipped my sweet switch, and I spent all day trying to eat something that would satisfy my craving.  I never found it, and I made myself ill with all the extra food I ate.

I've been avoiding the scale since before Christmas.  I suspect that I'm up a few pounds again - but I'm okay with that for the time being.  I've established a breakfast habit, and I'm becoming very aware how my body responds to different foods.  I know what I want to eat, and how I want to eat, and when I want to eat.  The difficult part is getting past that feeling that happiness can be found in sweet foods.  That a job well done needs a little treat to celebrate. 

Most of all, there's the over-riding desire to be done with this struggle already.  To already be done with sugary foods.  To already seek comfort from healthy habits instead of cookies.  And that, my friends, is why I keep failing.  Because I want to believe that two weeks of trying equals success. 

But two weeks of trying, crowned by two days of spectacular failure means that I'm still going to have to struggle.  Then I start projecting forward.  I'm going to have to try EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  And then I freak out and start heading toward the pantry.

I can't think that far ahead.  I have to focus on one choice at a time.  One bite at a time. And instead of throwing up my hands after this weekend's wreckage, I'm learning.  I journaled my emotions, and I can reference those foods and those emotions.  I can make those connections.  And I can plan ahead.  Stop laughing.  I can, too.

I'm being called away by my children.  I'll post my menu for this week when and if I can get the kids to settle the hell down.